| The battle within myself and against myself is the hardest one I have ever encountered. Not only does my heart fight against my body and my mind, my heart has fought against itself. How foolish was I to wait at rock bottom to look up and look to my Lord.
I knew I screwed up last year. It was apparent, it was obvious, and I wished it had never happened. I was never lacking in people to tell me what a foolish mistake I had made. I was sorry for the people surrounding me that I hurt and the others I led to fall with me, but I was lacking the conviction in my heart.
It was not until an unexpected blessing came in the form of a friend who just needed to walk and talk around a hotel, maybe as much as I did. I knew what was wrong and I knew what was right but because of the pain inside my heart, I blocked out what I could so I could simply avoid the overwhelming feeling of guilt. God must have pushed us towards each other because I didn't know that I was not alone in my fears for my future, my often disgust with my mistakes. But when she told me of how she saw herself and what she sometimes felt she deserved, I wanted to reach out to her crying "No, NO! You deserve all the love and the good in the world that anyone could give you!" I wanted her to understand that she was still this beautiful, loving individual worthy of the love of her Lord and her christian peers...and then it was like I was looking in the mirror. I realized that as I wanted to alleviate her pain, as I reached out to her I was figuratively reaching towards a mirror and as I tried my best to encourage her I found it echoing back to me in her words. Because she believed in me, I began to believe in myself.
And so I began my own Journey, my own Battle. But instead of doing it on my own, I've been walking with the support of my sisters in Christ and my Lord. I believe sincerely that God is using us to support each other and spill out the convictions and troubles in our hearts. But if not for the troubling feeling in our hearts we could consider ourselves already lost.
Daily, I struggle with this great commitment I have made to myself and my friends for the purpose of bettering my Christian life. But Daily, I pray. Daily, I talk to one of these amazing columns of support. Daily, I remind myself that I have a future awaiting me.
I will never be able to erase what I most would like to. But I have LEARNED from it and I pray often to God to help me find someone who needs My support. I know I'm not alone in where I have been. I long to guide others through the fire which I have walked. I wish to encourage young girls to really think about their future. I hope to build them strong in the Lord as I am again and not only to prepare them for the road blocks that will cause them to stumble but to TEACH THEM HOW TO GET BACK UP WHEN THEY FALL. It is a lesson worth learning I can assure you.
I have always wanted, more than anything, to be a wife and mother. I believe God has made me to do those things with every bit of my heart and soul. So I have frequently, if not constantly, worried. "Who will I marry? Will I find a soulmate in Christ?" It was not a worry of knowing the exact person whom I would marry, but rather could I find someone to love me enough? I pray to God for my future husband wherever he is and I know that God hears my prayers. I don't know who he is, or when it will be, or how I'll know who he is, but I know that he is out there and I hope he is praying for me too.
My wordly and christian family and i are supporting each other. Savanna and Whitney and I have been divulging the love and hope in our hearts and in it we find strength in numbers. But what's better than three? Four..or five.. or six.
Everyday I am seeing the domino effect as we influence the other people in our lives and I smile as I see God working so clearly. And I laugh because it started with two girls who had always had each other but never made the connection.
BLESSED are the pure in heart, for They WILL see God. Matthew 5:8
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